What the hell is happening? How can life turn upside down and twist around so easily and why does it all have to happen so fast? Why is this so hard? Why does my head hurt, and why am I so tired from all of it? Why do I have to feel all of the things all at once? Frustration. Sadness. Excitement! Fear! Anxiety. Anger. Helplessness. Nervousness. Worry. Can I pause this show? Or, wait. Fast-forward? Where the hell is my backpack because I’m getting the hell out of here. No, I’m actually not getting the hell out of here, but damn, I sure wish I was. Fight the flight, Robin. Fight it. Fight. Fight. Fight. I always fight the flight. One of these days, though, I swear.
So really. What the hell IS going on? Three things broke in this order: Adam. Our GPS. Our windshield. None of them on purpose. But then, very intentionally, Adam grabbed on to the one piece of control he had left and made the decision right there to quit his job. As it turns out, trucking is full of depression and anxiety triggers for him (he’s had some pretty awful past experiences in the industry, unfortunately). So once the honeymoon phase of our new team driving adventure faded a little bit, an uphill battle ensued. He soldiered through as long as he could with persistence and courage, but inevitably reached a limit and it was over. Just like that. It had to be. It was the one, final thing he could do that was solely his decision and felt final. Forward movement. Quitting would hopefully force enough of a change to encourage the healing of a pretty unbalanced mind… So this really has been a long time coming. We’ve known it, and we’ve been hiding behind it for too long. The volcano’s been a’stewin’ for a while and it’s finally erupted.
So what next? First and foremost, Adam takes a pause to rest an exhausted mind, soul, and self. Mental illness is a tricky beast – if you break an arm everybody understands. “Ouch, that probably really hurt! Brace it, rest it, don’t use it for a while.” But break your mind and everybody’s all like, “suck it up, buttercup!” But a broken mind needs rest and time, too. He is going to need to take care of himself here, so that is our #1 focus. He needs to take the time he needs – however long that is – to regain his strength and begin on that path toward healing – this has to happen at his own pace. He’s feeling drastically unbalanced at the moment – and I would add a bit fragile, too. So this is just going to take time.
In the meantime, I drive solo. This is something I wanted to eventually try – but Adam’s decision to quit just catapulted us into this change sooner than we’d planned. Life just happens out of order sometimes, I guess. Thankfully I’ve found myself really enjoying this crazy job, so I’m going to stick with it for a while on my own and see how it goes. But going solo? It’s a little scary. I’m going to find out really quick all the little things I’ve been leaning on Adam for as team drivers. But to my advantage, the big things should be covered. We’ve always run our team in such a way that I could do the job on my own if needed, which is just how I like to roll. It’s an independence thing. And, well? Good thing, because here we go…
I’m actually writing this in the middle of my first solo run, so all of this stuff is happening – these changes are already in motion. These past few weeks haven’t been easy, stress levels have been high and I’m mentally exhausted – and fighting my own little burnout. Taking a break from social media during all of this was a result of that. It was a way for me conserve a little energy by withdrawing from the world – and frankly I didn’t know what else to do. I was scared. I didn’t have the time or energy to explain everything so I chose to shut down. I lowered my head and pushed on as best I could in a pretty lonely state. But I’m finally feeling ready to join the world again – and I’m doing that with this very blog post. It’s a start for me to feel like I’m sort of getting back to normal. It’s also a way to avoid vague-booking (which is a huge pet peeve of mine). I didn’t want to be all like “OMG, people! Big changes!” on Facebook and leave it there for everyone to wonder and jump to conclusions. I thought I’d just spill it all at once and get it over with.
So I guess the thing to take away is this: Change is happening, like it always does. We’re scared, but determined. We may no longer be team truck drivers, but we’re still a team in life and love, and we’ve been together for-frickin-ever – that gives us a pretty solid foundation to work off of, and we’re going to stand on that. We’re hoping we’re through the worst of it and on our way back up.
So, well, thanks for listening. If we seem disconnected or withdrawn, just know that we still love all of you – our friends, family, followers. We just need some time.
Tonight I love… a quiet mind.