I shouldn’t be so stressed. In fact, I’m probably not that stressed, but somewhere in my mind I feel like I can be, and I’m feeding off of that.
I quit drinking caffeine a couple of months ago. I’m kind of proud of that. Then I started exercising every morning. I missed only two Sundays because of dumb hangovers. The workouts are only 10-20 minutes, and the ongoing goal is ultimately to boost and hopefully level out my metabolism. I also started counting calories again (which I’m not a fan of), took my vitamins, ate my fruits and veggies and quickly started to feel pretty amazing as a result of it all. I was establishing new habits that weren’t as hard to keep as I thought they would be. I especially felt good when I stepped on a scale to see I was only 1/2 pound from my goal weight. I was actually a pound and a half lighter than I was when I got home from my PCT thru hike.
I was in control.
What does any of this have to do with anything? Feeling in control meant I felt strong, healthy and confident. But this weekend I let go of that control just a tiny bit. I think I let a stress that I’m not even certain is real take over. I indulged in copious amounts of delicious restaurant foods, waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I might throw up. My body was rebelling against some poor decisions and reminding me that I am still as fragile as I’ve always been. This is a good thing. A subtle, humble reminder.
Looking back on these few, poor choices, however, resulted in my eyes welling up with tears. My reaction led me mentally running away to the trail and missing it in a way I haven’t missed it yet. I have a big test on Tuesday and I’m afraid I’ll fail. I’ve temporarily fallen back into some old, unhealthy habits. With letting myself realize, or I suppose simply admitting a few small fears to myself, I let my mind run away for just a moment. I immediately tried to escape by closing my eyes tightly and setting myself back on the trail.
It’s just reality and reminding myself of my imperfections and remembering to accept them with a full heart. I can still be in control here, and it’s not over because I binged, or because I didn’t study as much as I had planned. It just means I need to wake up and stop beating myself up for such a silly minor mental setback.
I am going to do the best I can like I always do, and that’s all I can ask of myself. Whatever the outcome is is meant to be, and good or bad, I will learn from it and keep stepping forward. I’m not doubting myself, as I know I’m fully capable of getting back on track with my metabolism goals, and passing my CDL test. I think I’m just mentally preparing myself for a different outcome than I’m hoping for so that if it does go that way I can put it behind me that much quicker.
Emotions are weird and I don’t always understand how they intertwine and work. But I do know I miss that freakin’ trail, I know I will get up and work out tomorrow and eat my celery, I know I can pass that test, I know I’ll be disappointed in myself if I don’t, but I also know I’ll try again until I do. I know that if and when I do pass, I’ll carry a mile-wide smile all day long and toot my horn when given the chance. Dammit, I just hope I get to do that on Tuesday and not prolong this whole emotional thing!
Onward. I’ll never stop thinking of trails hiked or dreaming of trails unhiked. And right now I’m going to read my pre-trip notes and focus on staying relaxed.
Tonight I love chance. It’s meant to be taken… and it’s meant to be a challenge.
Thanks for reading and being a part of my journey!